


The Talk

by InsaneTrollLogic



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Bruce Wayne, Asexual Damian Wayne, Asexual Tim Drake, Asexuality, Big Brothers, Gen, Humor, The Talk, Very confused Dick Grayson, asexual jason todd, batfam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 10:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10488882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneTrollLogic/pseuds/InsaneTrollLogic
Summary: Bruce never gave Dick the Talk. Dick was grateful for that right up until the time Damian sat through his first health class and started asking questions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not gonna lie, this is an intimidating fandom. So much canon. So much contradictory canon.
> 
> But since I can apparently pick and choose canon, I'm going with this: ALL THE BATBOYS ARE ACE. Except Dick. Because it's funnier that way.

Bruce never gave him the Talk.

Dick was grateful for it at the time.

Now…

Damian is staring at him.

Christ, how had he not expected this? Middle school, of _course_ they make kids sit through health class in middle school. And no child, not even Damian, is willing to ask questions like that in a classroom. And by Dick’s mind at least, asking Batman was just as bad.

Who did that leave?

“Grayson?” Damian says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Did you hear me? I wish to discuss some of the subject covered in our ridiculous health class. I suspect some of the statistics given were highly inaccurate.”

“What?” Dick chokes. “Now?”

“Of course not. Father and I are about to leave for patrol. But maybe tomorrow?” Damian unfolds his arms and shuffles his feet as if remembering he’s asking a favor. “Please.”

Put like that it’s not like Dick can say _no_.

* * *

 

He… panics. Just a little bit.

Dick knows he has a bit of a reputation—his relationship Kori was a sex ed course all in itself—but he also knows enough to say that Damian does not need that level of instruction.

Oh God, the kid turns fourteen this year.

Dick at fourteen was a terror, an unholy mess of hormones who had no idea about how any of this worked but was more than willing to try _all of it._

He knocks on the door to Tim’s apartment.

No answer.

He keeps knocking.

Tim appears a few minutes later, blinking like he’s just woken up. Dick feels a pang of guilt. One of the rules of the Wayne family is that you Do Not Wake Tim Up. “Hey, Tim,” he says.

Tim frowns at him through the crack in the doorframe. “Prove you’re Dick.”

“Who else would I be?” He can’t see Tim’s left hand. It’s probably on a weapon. “I need your help, little brother.”

“Dick doesn’t knock,” Tim says. “He breaks in through the window.”

Dick opens his mouth to argue, but Tim’s right. He usually breaks in through the window. Or at very least calls if he’s planned the visit in advance. No one in his family takes surprises particularly well. “You’re right. Here, I can…” He looks around the empty hallway. “Do a backflip maybe? Would that work?”

 “I think it’s okay.” Tim rubs his eyes. “I’m sorry. I haven’t gotten much sleep this week.”

“You got a few minutes. I’m kind of dealing with a crisis on the personal front.”

“Family?”

“Damian’s started a sex ed course and he has some questions.”

“Like, _Is it okay to eat your mate?_ ”

“Tim!”

Tim pulls the door the rest of the way open to let Dick slip inside. He makes himself comfortable on Tim’s couch while his brother goes straight for the coffee pot. There are papers covering the table. Wayne Enterprises business. “Why don’t you make Bruce give him the talk?”

Dick stares at him.

Tim takes a sip of his steaming hot coffee. “Good point.”

“I don’t even know what he could possibly be asking. What I remember from the health classes is minimal anatomy and then a whole lot about STDs.”

“He didn’t bring you a list of questions?” Tim asks.

“No, but he did make sure to _schedule_ me.”

“So, he’s curious, but not curious enough to skip patrol,” Tim observes. “Why are you asking me about it?”

“Because you were totally the type who would have made a list of questions. Come on, Timmy, what kind of things did you want to know when you were his age?”

“You’re really asking the wrong person.” Tim sits down next to him. “Isn’t there a pamphlet or something. _Weird Body Urges and You_?”

“Damian doesn’t ask about personal stuff very often. I want to have the bases covered. And I have some experience but you…”

“I don’t know where you’re going with this, but it’s wrong.”

“You dated Steph.”

“Yes.”

“And Kon.”

“Also true.” Tim frowns. “Do you think Damian’s gay?”

“I just want to have all perspectives available if possible. You have a different set of experiences than I do.”

Tim pinches the bridge of his nose. “Dick, I’m so not the person to ask about explaining sexual relationships for either gender.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t have sex with either of them. It was actually kind of a sore point with Steph.”

“What?” Dick feels himself slipping into the indifferent mask of his night job to hide his surprise. “Really?”

“I’m on the asexual spectrum,” Tim says, sounding amused. “It took me a while to figure it all out. I would have told you but…” He shrugs. “It never really came up.”

Dick nods and swoops his brother up in a hug. “I’m glad you told me today.”

He’s never really heard the term applied to anything but amoebas, but it’s easy enough to guess the meaning. He makes a mental note to google it after he figures out how to handle Damian. It’s not exactly surprising either. While Bruce and Dick to an extent had both crafted playboy personas for cover, Tim never really bothered with public dating. 

Tim pats him on the back a couple times and then reaches back for his coffee. Dick reluctantly lets him go. “You probably still had the talk though, right?” Dick says. “Any tips?”

“My parents weren’t really around to give me the talk. I guess Bruce figured someone had already done it. I read a couple of Alfred’s romance novels, but I wasn’t all that interested.” He takes another sip of his drink. “Like I said I’m really not the person to ask.”

* * *

Jason guffaws.

“It’s not funny,” Dick says.

“Baby Bat scheduled a time for you to give him the sex talk,” Jason retorts. “It’s pretty funny.”

“I don’t know how to give someone the sex talk! I have no idea what he’s going to ask. How do I handle something like this?”

“Just give the kid a pack of condoms or something. I’m pretty sure there are instructions on the box.”

That’s actually not the worst idea, but Dick would rather not contribute to his little brother’s hypothetical debauchery. “Come on, give me something to work with. What would you have asked at his age?”

Jason goes quiet. For a minute Dick thinks he might have accidentally touched one of Jason’s unpredictable sore spots. Living on the streets, he probably saw more than he should have, _earlier_ than he should have. But after a second the moment breaks, and Jason answers with a note of teasing in his voice, “You mean in that hypothetical universe where I could have asked big brother _Dickie_ all about the ways of romancing? Well I didn’t manage it. I don’t have a lot of experience to draw on. See, I kind of skipped puberty,” Jason says.

Dick sees where he’s going. “Jay, _no_.”

“You know,” Jason finishes, “while I was dead.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works, Jay.”

“Are you seriously here to grill me about my libido? Because playboy isn’t actually on my list of character defects.”

“I’m a little more worried about Damian’s libido at the moment,” Dick says dryly. “And I’ll take any advice I can get on how to talk to him about it.”

“Tell him it’s overrated,” Jason replies. “Seriously, I never understood the hype. Better off going for burgers or something.”

Dick frowns.  “Damian’s vegetarian.”

“And now we’re off topic,” Jason says. “Look I was heading out for patrol and I’d really not rather start the night with sanctimonious judgement. If you’re worried, there are a couple of working girls I know with practical knowledge. They’d be way better at explaining than either of us.

“Pass.” Dick rolls his eyes. “Try not to do anything that will make Bruce throw you in Arkham. I’m probably going to have to ask him about how to handle Damian and that won’t work if he’s brooding.”

Instead of his face going tense like it normally does when Bruce is mentioned, Jason grins over at him. “You know he doesn’t sleep with any of them right? The woman he brings home. Guy has all the money in the world and he just keeps collecting orphans like the other way doesn’t even occur to him.”

* * *

“I never realized how badly I needed a family,” Bruce says. “Until I made my own.”

They are so very, very far of topic. 

“Bruce, I…” Dick isn’t sure how he got into this particular conversation. He blames Jason and the taunt about collecting orphans. And the fact that Bruce doesn’t seem inclined to counter that assessment. Dick shakes his head and starts his sentence over. “Don’t you ever think about you know, settling down? Starting a family that way?”

The speech Bruce gives is a little stilted, like he’s never really been asked to articulate this particular idea. Dick should probably bail him out, but he’s fascinated. From what he can tell, Bruce doesn’t really have eyes for anything but justice.

It’s a similar echo to what he’s already heard from his brothers, even if it’s far less succinct. He waits until Bruce finally trails off and asks, “Selena?”

“There’s a difference between the chase and capture.” Bruce pauses for a moment, thinking it over. “The chase is the enjoyable part. The capture is… monotonously scripted.”

Dick abruptly decides he doesn’t need to be in this conversation any more.

* * *

Damian finds him early in the afternoon, and Dick is suddenly struck by the differences from the kid he used to know. Damian’s had a pretty significant growth spurt over the past six months, and it shows in the way his uniform sleeves are a half-inch short. He has acne, his voice still occasionally cracks in and out, and he moves like he’s not quite aware where all his limbs are anymore. For anyone with assassin’s training, that has to be brutal. Not to even mention the bat training.

His baby brother’s in the middle of full on puberty and Dick hadn’t even noticed.

Oh god, he and Tim used to sit around and talk about how _horrible_ this phase would be.

“How you doing today, little D?” Dick asks.

“I will be taller than you before long, Grayson,” Damian says with a scowl. “It’s time to retire that ridiculous nickname.”

Dick resists the urge to ruffle his hair, though starting the inevitable knife fight would likely delay this conversation for at least another few hours. Enough time to consult Alfred. He should have gone to Alfred first. He forces a smile. “Big brother’s privilege. What’s on your mind?”

“Good. You remember.” Damian hauls himself up to a seat at the kitchen counter. “The class has been useless. The teacher has limited knowledge of anatomy and he keeps telling us that we will get _urges_ at some point without a single specific symptom of these urges. When I asked about what that entailed I was simply told that I would know it when I felt it and that everyone went through the same thing.”

Dick’s head hurts. His mouth feels dry. This is supposed to be Bruce’s job. “Damian what you’re feeling is perfectly natural. It—”

Damian interrupts him, “That’s the problem. I was told _everyone_ experiences something like this.” He hesitates for just a second, and that’s enough for Dick to tell this is actually really bothering him. “ _When_?”

Dick probably wouldn’t have caught it if not for talking to his brothers earlier, but this is the first time he’s felt like he’s on solid footing since Damian asked for his help. “Damian, people mature at different rates. You might find yourself attracted to someone in the next few years.”

The blatant skepticism is easily readable on the kid’s face.

Dick swallows. “Or you might not. But you know what? Both of those are normal.”

Damian looks up at him, his eyes oddly bright. “Really?”

Dick swings an arm over his shoulder. “Promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Now with Reverse Robin companion piece: [Grow Up So Fast](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12088911)
> 
> (Because I apparently have no willpower.)


End file.
